Diaries.

First you write them...
... few years later, you laugh at the silly things you wrote
... some more years pass, you realize, all the things you laughed at, does make sense now...

Caution : This diary is infected with ... LIFE. - The first line from my wife's diary.

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Trance

The kid who lives on the floor above has come to meet us along with his mom... He has a habit of finding/touching/pushing things which arouse his curiosity. After running his eyes thru every corner of the room, he settles his eyes on Scrabble, a game which was gifted by a friend but never played by me and Amrita.


I help him open the game while his mom is busy talking to my mom and Amrita.... I see an expression on mom and Amrita's face.... which is difficult to describe, but,  can always be seen on the faces that have passed thru a recent trauma... 
This expression is of relaxation - when after a long fight one has pulled out a victory
It's also of the pain - that somebody went thru but couldn't cry
and it carries the expression of a certain surprise... the reason for being the chosen one for the accident.


... the rickshaw driver is careless... even after being asked to drive slowly... he has not heard it... 
... this is the last turn before our flat.... I hope he knows there is a pole ahead....
... before I can react.... there is a loud thud.... and a screeching voice of the bending metal.... The impact is so huge... I and dad are thrown out of the rickshaw.... Just before I am thrown out.... I remember the suppressed sounds that are trying to come out of mom, dad and amrita.... a faint cry.... which will haunt me for a long time if not forever...


I am awake.... and find  myself a couple of meters away from the rickshaw... the rick is a mingled badly.... The front tyre is almost a feet above from the ground on the pole. The first thing I see is Amrita's face.... blood pouring from her nose and rolling down her cheeks... She is completely dazed... almost scared of the people who have crowded the rickshaw. I run towards her... and grab her... Her left hand has an unusual twist from the wrist... I know its a fracture..... "Dont worry.... I am here"... are the only words I keep saying for some time.... 


I hear mom's cries from the rickshaw... It's dark and not possible to see her. I put Amrita on the road.... She is scared....and in pain....I repeat myself.... "Dont worry.... nothing will happen.... I am with you"... and rush towards the auto.... mom is bleeding profusely.... I see blood everywhere on her face... its dripping out from every corner I see.... She is yelling..." Ohh... my leg is paining... " like me... she is also under the initial shock.... She keeps repeating her words for the next 2 hours.... in between.... she is telling me ... "I told you dont hire the auto... see I told you".... I see mom trapped behind the rickshaw.... a couple of bystanders come to the rescue.... and we pull mom out....  I still havent seen papa.... He was thrown out on the other side.... He seems to be okay but bleeding on the forehead.... I yell.... "Amrita.... Amrita..." words are not coming out.... I am choked.... papa goes towards Amrita.... 


I remember... there is no good hospital nearby.... i cry for an auto.... "Call an auto immediately..." my hands are wet.... I dont know whether its blood or sweat.... I dont want to check....


I help mom to stand.... she is crying... "make me sit... I am not able to stand".... Papa has come to help mom... and I suddenly hear Amrita's voice... "dont touch me on my hands".... I run towards Amrita....


I ask the people who have gathered around Amrita to give me space.... "Dont worry... nothing will happen.... we are going to hospital"....
my back has started paining.... I pick her with some difficulty in my arms... she seems like a small kid.... I rush towards the auto which has stopped by... Amrita is still in my hands... I see people bringing mom towards us.... she is still yelling unconsciously... Amrita is on the verge of unconsiousness.... I try to keep her awake by talking to her.... Mom is saying something.... I look at her.... I am almost numb.... I can see her skull bone... There are two large cuts on her forehead.... 


We are in the hospital.... I scream "Bring the stretchers... bring them now".... 


The kid has spelled his first word as "Try"....  I see the letters in front of me.... I have two As, one R, one U.... I try to make the word TRAUMA.... but no.....  M is still missing.... 

I look at them... they are still talking ....

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Recession of thoughts

It's 8:30. The night has fallen in Pune. I zip my denim jacket thinking about the friend who had gifted it to me. I am no longer in touch with him but the jacket keeps reminding of him. The bike waits for me in the parking. There is a new scratch on the Princess. Pretty much visible and she tells me who might have done it. I dont know who has done it. May be the bastard who kept his bike besides me and who would have got dont-know-what-shit bike without even caring about mine? I grudgingly take the princess out of the stable and put my hand on the scar.. It might not heal her... but gives me a chance to feel it. "Ohh... I'll be fine.. don't worry" she tells me... and I give some half-kicks as if to awaken her from her sleep. Finally, the last one starts her up and I am on my way to home. It's only me and the princess now... for an hour of silent talks....
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"Dont do anything after reaching home... Just enjoy your Taarak Mehta" She said... "Hmmm ..." I reply, planning to surprise her with the usual cooking of mine which invariably is some vegetable with a dish of rice, Pulaav mostly. It's a strange situation, I think. We got married 4 months back, and after our honeymoon, we have returned into the same rat-race. Well, Amrita likes to call us the Weekend Couple. For months, I have been working days and nights in the office. The Reason : The recession and my struggle to keep the project going and to increase it. Mostly I succeed, by sacrificing a part of the beautiful life that I have started enjoying thoroughly. and now, It's Amrita's turn to put long hours. I take a left turn towards Moshi village.

Its a small road towards the Moshi village. Stretches for 8kms till Moshi. The good thing is that, its devoid of any vehicle movement. A truck zooms past me giving me some additional accelaration. I change to the 5th gear. The crying sound of the nearby motorcycle which is wrongly into a lower gear, irritates me. It irrriates me, why most of the bikers dont know that you only change gear when you are accelarating. Some years back, a classmate of mine was the pillion when I was driving him in Hyderabad. I was driving at around 80, naturally he was shivering behind me. After some time, I decreased the speed of the bike not changing the gear immediately. He asked me why I am not changing the gears to 4th and then to 3rd every time the speed comes into that zone. I stay silent.

I touch the Moshi village. The next stretch is of 6kms. This is the best stretch in my journey and I usually test the prinecess here the most pushing her till 90 or 100. The 3 lane road for both the sides helps. The FM starts playing Tu Chupi Hai Kahaan from Navrang. I remember the discussions between Bhabha and Papa about the old films. I learned a lot about movies when I joined Nadiad for my MCA. But my training began at home at the age I dont remember now. I, however, distinctly remember, Sadhu Aur Shaitaan being played at Maroo Bhai's place. It reminds me I need to send the Kite Runner movie to dad. I just had a talk with him about the book and like me he was mesmerized by the book. I dont know who will help Bhabha watch some good movies in Junagadh. He has always wanted to see The Bicycle Thief. I think about the last scene of the movie... The boy looking at his father and the father trying to look on the road. They both understand, however, say nothing... How can one scene shot decades still remains the best scene till this day.. I get goose bumps.. they are interrupted by the phone. It's ringing. It's the new lad who has joined the team. I stop the bike..

"How are you"
"I am okay... How are you"
"Kuch Nahi Sir... mujhe puchhna tha Am I doing Okay?"
"Haan Haan tum acha kar rahe ho. Try to learn more... I am happy with your progress"

"Okay." ( I sense his relief)
and then he drops the shell.... "Sir... Le loge na Team me?"

I say nothing for a moment.

"Can I call you later... I am currently on my way home"

The question still hangs in there.... with me and the Princess....

I reach Bhosari. The last phase is of 14kms. From Bhosari to the flat. I dont like this part of the journey.... Heavy Traffic, shabbier road and the Heavy Question which is still unanswered !

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Stupidly Yours

So how should one react when faced with an act of utter stupidity... However stupid this thought itself may sound... Its just my struggle to get an answer that has provoked this blog... and to add fuel to it... Somebody did act foolishly today... and I was angry... not by his act... but the way I reacted...

Well this reminds me of a scene from Sharabi when the gorgeous Jaya Prada loses the "Naulakha" and our Bachchan sir tells her it was not that costly at all... naturally lying because one drop of her tear is much more "costlier" than one lac... anyway, the reason for the examples is... what I was taught from the childhood was much similar to this "stupid" scene... Laugh at people (and ofcourse yourself) but not when one actually commits an act of stupidity... Try to sweep it under the carpet and thus not taking away someone's self-respect... I kind of embodied this as it came from my father and never doubted it...

... never until I went to Singapore... one of the most turbulent times in my life... On one hand I was trying to manage my career and on other was desperately trying to hold on to my love life... and struggling at both ends... I do remember for days and days I slept merely for 3-4 hours in order to cling on to both the ships... hard that it was to be... I did forget things... I did act stupidly...

one incident that I can recall of the so-called "stupidity" was when after going to bed at 5:30 am in the morning... was awaken by my roommates at 730 in the morning... could hardly open my eyes... and caring as they were... they asked me if I had my keys of the house... I really didnt know what they were saying and could barely open my eyes... couldnt find my keys... as a nice gesture... I was given their set of keys... Well... when I woke up at around 10 I could not find my keys but luckily had my roommates keys... I locked the door with the other set and went to office... and again struggling in the office till 10 pm I got back to sweet home... sans the keys... and as soon as we reached home... It struck me... what a terrible act... because of my stupidity my roommates were suffering... they were in no way responsible for it... I felt like a hangdog... utter stupidity... I do remember almost running to a taxi and rushing to office... getting the keys and coming back... while my roomies waited at the door... They really looked magnanimous when they pardoned me for my stupidity... I felt happy that the things I was taught in my childhood were not necessarily rubbish....

The day passed but never got forgotten... When in every act of mine I was reminded of my crimes of stupidity by my roomies and ofcourse by other "friends"... I came to know about the reality... Yes I was the stupidest person they had seen... and Yes I had become a benchmark... Yes I was equivalent of Manoj Kumar for Bad films... and I used to cringe inside whenever that was reminded... but my stubbornness of putting a brave face and not explaining them to douse their ego took toll on me...
Stupidity as they say is universal... something inside me kept on telling me to highlight their foolish behavior... but no.. the false virtues that were bred in me always stopped...

so when somebody did act stupidly I just said... its okay... when somebody lost some money in his exit dues at previous company due to his stupidity I used to sympathize with him... when somebody used to visit a whore-house to forget about his love ... I just said take care in future... when somebody forgot the pizza in the microwave for days... I laughingly avoided the discussion.... and yeah... how could I highlight an act of stupid behavior when all the drunkards celebrating the new year did some things which were foolish enough to write a book of anecdotes... point to note here was the foolish acts started before even buying the bloody alcohol... bloody fool its not your girl you are flirting your chances with... I wish I could yell

but well... the lesson was learnt the hard way...I had decided to jump on somebody's act of stupidity... before he does on mine
and today... was the day... past was past... its time for new beginnings... the idiot had to be reminded...

and all I could hear myself utter was.. "Its okay... hota hai"

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Waking up at 2:30

So What do yo do when you suddenly wake up at 2:30 am ?

It must be the Chicken Tikka... I shouldnt have had the whole freaking dish...
I get up and wear my sleepers and try my best to suppress the strange hissing sound of my footwear... how I wish my landlord ( who stays with us) had a sound sleep... well... anyways... he wakes up...
I go to Prashant's room... start the laptop... its good to know to type... helps when you are in dark and cant see the keys...

need to work for our film-critic website project... need to work for our short film... havent done a thing yet...
havent written a blog since a long time... have so many things to write... but lemme first work on our film critic website project... Rajeev Masand of late has been pissing in his pants...

this waking up should help... !!!

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... and then I can still feel relaxed because

• Vinay Pathak, Suresh Menon, Sonia Raikkar, Purvi Joshi and Ranveer Shourey can still make me laugh ( The Great Indian Comedy Show)
• Subbu and Tejas are still raring to go on the loooooong planned Goan escapade
• Hyderabad is still a nice city... and I can roam around the roads in the nights on my T'Bird before it becomes another Bangalore or Mumbai.
• I still have a hope to be financially stable and settle all my debts in the next 6 months
• Whenever I call home... the first question that comes to Bhavesh, Mom or Dad's mind is "When am I coming home ?"
• I believe Rajat Kapoor has still not given up on the Indian audience and has started working on his new project.
• I know... whatever I do, wherever I am... Mihir, Gaurang, Alka-Mohit and Nikhil worry about me.... all of them are such wonderful people
• My room sucks.... but my roomies ( Rahul and Badri) and the newly acquired fridge ROCK !!! We have decided to stock it with beer bottles and lock it so that the maid doesnt steal and get drunk !!!
• The plans of joining the gym for the nth time are still on... !!!
• ... am still waiting for somebody !!!

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